So A Tampon & A Maxi Pad Walk Into A Bar…..

Today’s post is full of foul; don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I have Endometriosis. Yesterday, mother nature dropped her bomb and today I’m auctioning off my uterus to the lowest bidder. Hell, I’ll give the bitch away.

I wish I could adequately describe the pain in my lower back to those who don’t suffer from this shittastic monthly problem. Let’s just say me and my heating pad have an understanding even though he’s burned me a time or twenty.

Now let’s talk about the bloating that also accompanies the menses.

I. Look. Pregnant.

Early second trimester. It’s ridiculous. Fortunately, I have yet to be a victim of “oh you’re pregnant!” because it wouldn’t end well for the person that uttered those words. I would most likely throat punch them then follow it up with a Go Fuck Yourself.

And to top it all off I have a really bad attitude right now. This is the ONLY time of the month that I can say anything to anyone and have no regrets. None. Zero. Zilch.

I’m like a bad infomercial.

“Do you need to tell someone off but don’t know how?? Well here’s your chance folks. Call 1-900-oliveoylmomma and for the low rate of just .10 cents a minute she’ll gladly tell every rat bastard mother fucker that’s ever done you wrong or looked at you cross eyed where to go and exactly how to get there. Don’t delay, call today!”

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Now, some of you may be thinking, “this crazy bitch needs a doctor!” Well I have one. And her answer was Prozac. Let me tell you what THAT did. It took the edge off. So my filter was slightly thicker, but I still told random strangers to eat shit and die.

Normally I’m a really, really nice person. I like to bake cookies and shit. And cuddle with puppies.

But not today. Tomorrow isn’t looking good for me either.

So there you have it. Once a month every month I’m an asshole.

Thanks for stopping by!

Olive Oyl Momma

P.S. Today I’m not laughing BUT, I would like to so please, tell me something funny. Anything. I’ll only ask nicely once and then you know what could happen…

If You Can’t Say Something Nice, You Can Always Tell Me

Maybe the title of today’s blog post is a bit misleading. It makes me sound like a gossip.

And everyone knows it’s only gossip if you repeat it so listen closely, I’ll only tell you once.

The bottom line is I’ve been sitting in front of this keyboard for a lengthy amount of time, and I don’t know what to blog about today. Holy brain fart.

Anybody else having this problem?

So here’s a random picture of my dog

Patch

Maybe I need a nap. I read something somewhere (don’t ask me where, I’m in brain fart mode), that said creative people need naps to help inspire creativity. Do any of you agree with this statement? I do. Many times I do awaken inspired. Other times snarky. And still other times one would think I rolled out of bed and popped a bitter-bitch-pill.

Today I’m just existing.

Here’s a random picture of me being an idiot

Me being an idiot

By the way, those glasses are remnants from a 3-D movie I saw and there are no lenses. I like to put them on when my teenagers friends pop in; they find it hysterical, him, not so much as you can see in this pic. (but then again it kind of looks like he’s sleeping when the reality was he was telling me to get out of his room while trying to avoid being in the frame.)

Maybe I’ll talk about my WordPress experience thus far.

I started this blog last week. Am I new to writing? No.

Am I new to blogging? Hell Yes.

How am I doing? I’m not sure yet, but I’m having fun and for now that’s good enough for me.

I follow quite a few people on here. Some of ya’ll are hysterical. I appreciate that.

If you’ll humor me by viewing the sidebar, there is a list of the blogs I currently follow. Look them up, they’re awesome.

That’s it for today. So I’ll leave you with a picture of a glass bottle one of my offspring found in the lake and I painted it and shit out of sheer boredom

Glass Bottle Craft Day

Always end your day with laughter,

Olive Oyl Momma