For some parents the teen years are a curse. A throw back to all things the teenage you did that were wrong. For each transgression committed, you can see your mother’s predictions about karma coming true. But for me, parenting a teenaged boy is kinda fun. Most days. So I came up with a list of things we encounter on a daily basis around our house. A need to know for all of you entering the teen years with your boys. A guide so to speak that helps you remember, we’re all in this together.
- They smell. It’s true. That lovely baby smell is forever gone, replaced instead with an essence that is indescribable. If I were to try to describe it, I would say sweat with a side of cat pee. And football cleats stay outside. Always. No amount of washing, Lysol, Febreze or foot powder can contain it, and if you try these methods you come up with a scent I like to call Shitrus.
- Acne. I’m not exactly sure how many face washes, topical creams and gels and cleansing pads we’ve tried. Hell, we even went Holistic and used essential oils. Bottom line? You’re lucky if you can get them to wash their face everyday anyway.
- Hair styles. They’ve all made their way through my house. We’ve had The Bieber, the Shaved Head, the Faux Hawk, the Mohawk, the Edge-Up, the High-and-Tight, and my personal favorite, the I Don’t Give A Fuck. The latter comes with a side of “No I didn’t brush it and I don’t care if it’s greasy.”
- The Clothes Diva. Gone are the days of our precious little boys exercising their free will and demanding cowboy boots with every outfit. Now the demands are all things name-brand. Could someone please explain the fascination of “Joggers” ? Aren’t they the same thing as the ugly sweat pants we ourselves sported back in the 80’s? And if you want to see a complete and total melt down buy them pants from Wal-Mart. You’re welcome.
- Shoes. No, their feet never stop growing. My fourteen year old son wears a mens 9 1/2. I think it’s safe to say he inherited his mothers giant flippers considering he has already surpassed his father’s shoe size. Still, I count my blessings considering my best friends son wears a mens 12. Fuck her life.
- Food. Remember when a pound of ground beef actually fed your little family? Now kiss those days good-bye. They’re gone. Forever. Buy a cow and have it butchered. It may last you six months. Oh you’re a vegetarian? Then buy a soy bean farm. The whole thing.
- Music. Some of the crap they listen to today is awful. You can’t understand any of it. It has no melody; just a bunch of rambling with a half-ass beat. But occasionally you may hear the sounds of Def Leopard or Metallica floating from their room. Pat yourself on the back, you’re doing something right.
- Electronics. In our house we don’t let our kids have unlimited access to video games and smart phones. And we don’t rush out and buy the newest gaming systems either. But when so-and-so gets a new system that’s all we hear about. So we like to remind them about our lives at their age, and then hide their iPhones and replace them with an etch-a-sketch. Try it. It’s right up there with Wal-Mart pants.
- Hormones. They’re all over the place. Those little bastards are the main contributors to the odors and ravenous acne covered appetites. At least one night a week we have a conversation about body hair at the dinner table. Needless to say, we don’t get a lot of dinner guests.
Overall, teenage boys are pretty fun and quite often entertaining. Seriously. Even on those days that consist of melt downs and mood swings, that little boy who heard your heart beat from the inside is still there. And when they come up to you for a hug (and don’t want something), or say “I love you” on their way out the door in the mornings, you may get a little sentimental. And that’s okay. They literally grow up in the blink of an eye. So cherish every moment, good and bad. (That sounded so cliché) Even the smelly, acne covered, vulture eating, giant shoe sized ones. Because they are fleeting. Always end your day with laughter, Olive Oyl Momma