Consistently Pissy and Other Stories

It’s been way too long since I have blogged on here and now that I’m logged in, today isn’t looking up for blog writing either.

I’ve been stuck in some kind of rut. If you were to ask my husband, apparently I’m always angry. Well fuck that, no I’m not.

I really did want to write something witty and humorous for all of you, but then it was like, not today Satan.

So…….

Do any other stay at home moms or stay at home dads feel me when I say I sometimes  feel like my whole life has turned to mush? Like the only reason I exist is to be at the beck and call of other people? Do you ever have moments where maybe you’re washing dishes and you think, “fuck this plate. Fuck it and all of it’s plate friends.” Or is it just me?

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Do your days run together? Like Saturdays and Mondays could actually pass for the same day?

Do you ever wonder if other people wonder about the things that you wonder about?

That’s a lot of wondering.

Do “I Don’t Know”, “It Wasn’t Me”, and “I Forgot” live in your house, too?  What about, “I’ll Do It Later”?

I sometimes think that when I die my headstone won’t have my date of birth/death engraved on it, or even my name. It will simply say the phrase I utter 742 times a day, “Wash your hands.”

Nobody listens to me.

Ever.

“Nobody” also lives in my house.

Do you ever think about having wine for breakfast? I haven’t done it, but I think about it. Who would tell on me, the dog?? I did have champagne for lunch once.

Best. Day. Ever.

Do you ever look at your piles of dirty laundry and think how it would only take one match to end it all? And then remember that running around in your birthday suit would get you arrested so you put the fucking clothes in the washer AGAIN.

Am I alone in these thoughts? Surely I’m not the only parent out there whose crazy boils that close to the surface on occasion.

Share your crazy with me today. Wear it loud and proud! I’ve missed all of you.

And would you look at that, I actually did just write a blog.Oops 🙂

Excuse Me, Your Underpants Are Showing

Night before last, offspring 2 came home crying because he had ripped his pants. When I say he had ripped his pants, oh he ripped them real good. One entire side of his britches was exposing his underpants.

Keeping in mind the story of my life is laundry, my first question to him was, “Did you scratch up your butt cheeks?”, whilst thinking: Hell yes! One less thing to wash!!!!

How exactly did the ripping of the pants occur? Jumping fences of course. And that is something that does not  make me happy. I have told my kids a hundred times not to jump a fence.

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Forget the fact that I myself was a professional fence jumper back in the day. Forget that my long ass frog legs could leap a fence like a Copperhead snake was about to eat me for lunch. Forget all of that but remember this: the first time you snag a thigh on chain link fencing, you won’t forget it.

And that is precisely why I strongly discourage jumping fences.

Am I surprised that offspring 2 came home with a pants blowout the size of Rhode Island? Not really. Because this isn’t the first time it’s happened. He is definitely the one that has had the most mishaps. This is the kid that while playing hide-n-seek decided a trash can was a good place to lay low. It was also a good place to seriously F something up. Six staples later:

Cody's Staples

So, back to the beginning. Offspring 2 came home crying over his ripped pants. Why was he crying? Because he thought he would be in trouble. Did he get in trouble for it? No. Pants are replaceable;  butt cheeks, not so much.

And the bonus?? One less article of clothing to wash.

Keep your kids from climbing fences and then  end your day with laughter,

Olive Oyl Momma

I Wish It Was Friday; Also, I Wish I Had An Elephant

This was the morning breakfast conversation I had with offspring 2 today.

He announced he wished it was Friday. I said ugh, hold up. It has to be at least Wednesday to wish for Friday. Let’s wish for an elephant in the backyard instead.

Conversations with kids are fun.

Anywho, let’s recap the weekend. I took a brief reprieve from blogging; it was starting to consume me. Every thought that flits through my head I want to blog about. Apparently it has affected my husband, too, as he said more than once this past weekend, “you should blog about that.” Which had me wondering, is there an echo in here??

Saturday gave us beautiful weather so the husband took the offspring fishing at a creek. They brought home a friend which I promptly informed them we wouldn’t be keeping. Meet Muddy Buddy:

Muddy Buddy

Thanks to one of my brilliant, genius friends that knows all things turtle, we found out this little dude is a common Musk or Mud Turtle. Years ago, we had a tiny baby red eared slider. Turtles are really cool but they also are really stinky. So on that note, I didn’t want to add to my zoo. As you can see, I made him a little mud box and after a few hours of observation, we released him back into the creek. Good times!

In our house we are HUGE Walking Dead fans. If you’re not, leave. now.

Just kidding.

The season finale was last night. I won’t give any spoilers but I will say it wasn’t as exciting as we were hoping. Bottom line: Daryl is still with us and that’s all that matters.

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You’re welcome ladies.

So I guess that about sums it up.

It’s Monday, my alarm went off at WTF o’clock, and here I am.

I’ll be seeing all of you tomorrow!

Always end your day with laughter,

Olive Oyl Momma

P.S. What did all of you do with your weekend? Let me know in the comments!

P.S.A for the Parents, And Also You Over There Eavesdropping

Night before last I did something obscene.

After cooking and eating dinner with the family, I proceeded with my normal nightly routine of put away leftovers, load dishwasher, wash dishes, pack sack lunches and prep coffee maker for the a.m.

And then at 7:45 in the evening, I left.

I left and went over to a girlfriend’s house and spent three hours drinking coffee while catching up with a good friend.

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It was up to my husband to make sure the offspring took their showers, brushed their teeth and went to bed on time. And *GASP*, everything went off without a hitch.

Can you believe it??

The Earth did not stop spinning because mom took some time for herself.

The house did not burn down.

A party wasn’t thrown.

And pigs did not start to fly.

So here’s a question for you:

When was the last time you took a time-out?

When was the last time you had coffee with a friend without the interruptions of life storming in?

When was the last time you had a nap or a pedicure or simply read a book in peace?

Hey dads! When was the last time you hung out with a buddy?

Went fishing? Played Golf? Or just zoned out in front of the t.v. all by yourself?

If you can’t remember the last time, then now is the time.

Stop. Making. Excuses.

We are better people when when we take some time for ourselves.

We are better parents, spouses, partners and friends when we give ourselves a break.

I came home from coffee time relaxed and ready for bed. I came home with a smile on my face because we did a LOT of laughing.

I came home and everything was fine.

So here’s the deal: try in the next week to find time for a break. Even if it’s just an hour, try.

And then come back here and tell me about it.

Always end your day with laughter,

Olive Oyl Momma