So A Tampon & A Maxi Pad Walk Into A Bar…..

~ oliveoylmomma

Today’s post is full of foul; don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I have Endometriosis. Yesterday, mother nature dropped her bomb and today I’m auctioning off my uterus to the lowest bidder. Hell, I’ll give the bitch away.

I wish I could adequately describe the pain in my lower back to those who don’t suffer from this shittastic monthly problem. Let’s just say me and my heating pad have an understanding even though he’s burned me a time or twenty.

Now let’s talk about the bloating that also accompanies the menses.

I. Look. Pregnant.

Early second trimester. It’s ridiculous. Fortunately, I have yet to be a victim of “oh you’re pregnant!” because it wouldn’t end well for the person that uttered those words. I would most likely throat punch them then follow it up with a Go Fuck Yourself.

And to top it all off I have a really bad attitude right now. This is the ONLY time of the month that I can say anything to anyone and have no regrets. None. Zero. Zilch.

I’m like a bad infomercial.

“Do you need to tell someone off but don’t know how?? Well here’s your chance folks. Call 1-900-oliveoylmomma and for the low rate of just .10 cents a minute she’ll gladly tell every rat bastard mother fucker that’s ever done you wrong or looked at you cross eyed where to go and exactly how to get there. Don’t delay, call today!”

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Now, some of you may be thinking, “this crazy bitch needs a doctor!” Well I have one. And her answer was Prozac. Let me tell you what THAT did. It took the edge off. So my filter was slightly thicker, but I still told random strangers to eat shit and die.

Normally I’m a really, really nice person. I like to bake cookies and shit. And cuddle with puppies.

But not today. Tomorrow isn’t looking good for me either.

So there you have it. Once a month every month I’m an asshole.

Thanks for stopping by!

Olive Oyl Momma

P.S. Today I’m not laughing BUT, I would like to so please, tell me something funny. Anything. I’ll only ask nicely once and then you know what could happen…

11 thoughts on “So A Tampon & A Maxi Pad Walk Into A Bar…..”

  1. I am so sorry you have to go through such a hard time. Reminds me of the time when I woke up in the morning to the most awful abdominal pain. I ran outside bellowing, “I DON’T KNOW THIS HAPPENED BUT I’M GIVING BIRTH!” After an hour, it turned out to be menstrual cramps. 😀 I hate how guys have it all easy. 😦

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  4. Great! you have the same foul mouth I do! I just hate it at 60 and mom still says, ” You don’t have to say that word!” I say, “Yes, I do! it’s the only way i can fully express myself.. But yeah, I really do have a flavorful language when my feathers get ruffled. One thing i can say that might help . . . years from now – it will be over some day. I had the most horrible periods. I’d lock myself in the bathroom telling myself that ” I won’t get mad. I will stay in control of my emotions. I will not kill my husband ( at the time)”. I’d leave my bathroom hours later take one lock at my husband and all control evaporated and I’d bite his head off. Then something magical happened. I went through menapause with out a scrape or even a hot flash. My migraine headaches disappeared and I became the wonderful foul mouthed person I am today, gliding through life with nary the thought of another tampon!! yay!!

    I have a great expression you can use, passed down from a friend of my mothers and it is what she says in place of cussing. Just say SP&MV ( it means shit, piss and monkey vomit) It says it all and you can say it in mixed company!

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      1. Keep a stiff upper lip. I know this is hard to deal with. I sincerely hope it doesn’t turn into future problems. i debated with myself to tell you this because it is a bummer and each person is different. My neice – age almost 40 – has had this problem and it cause infections and problems. she found out yesterday it turned into uterine cancer and first off – a hysterectomy is coming. So keep a lot of positive in your life and enjoy every day. i had my tubes and ovaries removed because of bursting cysts, right before i had a liver transplant. So finding ways to say “I love life” is so important. We need to use every one of the 63,000 seconds ( rough estimate) we get every day because if don’t use them we lose them and start over the next day.

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      3. The fun of blogging. it’s the first thing I do in the morning and last thing I do at night. I have 2 blogs. You read something I posted on my “other blog” where I put things in life that need a place to be. Did you listen to the music I wrote? I improvise everything when I feel a strong emotion – just plug my keyboard into my computer let my fingers tell the story. It is a way to make a tangible thing of how I feel. My real work is at http://mynameisjamie.net for the father of a grandson in prison. I’m also in the middle of book I am writing called – InsideOut- from these letters I post from prison. There is quite a bit of music scattered on these pages, too – if you’d like to see it.

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